Missing manners
Friday, May 16, 2008
So my question for today is: Whatever happened to basic table manners? Are parents not teaching their children or are the children not paying attention?
Specifically, why is it that I know so many children who do not close their mouths when they chew?
Seriously, I cannot even begin to tell you how many juveniles I have encountered who are unbelievably disgusting at the table. Mouths wide open. A symphony of loud smacking and chewing and slurping noises. It’s nauseating.
(And I also cannot tell you how many times I’ve resisted blogging this, for fear that the mothers of some of my children’s friends would think I’m talking about their kids.)
(I am.)
(But not in every case.)
(If the parents of the child who visited yesterday are reading this, I am NOT talking about your daughter. She has very nice manners and I really mean that.)
I have told my children over and over and over and over and over again during thousands of meals that their mouths must remain closed while chewing. That’s just not even optional. Other than putting food in, or speaking with an empty mouth, there’s not need to have that orifice open. I think the lesson has finally hit home, as it’s been a while since I’ve had to remind anyone. To the best of my knowledge, the girls also have nice table manners when they’re not with me. I would be horrified if they did not.
A generation ago, it was my mother who ensured that we all had good table manners and let me tell you, every single one of my siblings and me is a quiet eater. In fact, of all the adults I know, only a couple are repulsive when they eat. In the case of one person, I simply cannot sit near him/her during a meal unless there’s a lot of background noise to mask what’s going on his/her mouth.
(See? I’m keeping it impersonal here, so as not to potentially offend anyone, even though the person in question would do well to take some pointers from this.)
Yet, I know a number of children who are old enough to know to eat with their mouths closed, yet these children are utterly revolting. Seriously, off the top of my head, around eight girls in the 7-10 age range who consistently disgust me with their lack of basic table manners. Why aren’t their parents correcting this problem at home? (I’ve eaten with some of these families, so I know they are not.)
Longer term, poor table manners have more far-reaching ramifications. Think of the 22 year-old college graduate who has an interview with a potential employer: The applicant has aced the interviews and things are going well. He’ll probably get the job. Then, they go out to lunch. The applicant talks with food in his mouth, chews loudly, slurps his soup, and so forth. Do you think he’ll get the job? I’d guess not.
Or imagine going to meet your boyfriend’s parents for the first time. Sunday dinner. Eating in the dining room with the heirloom china and an antique lace tablecloth. That would not be an appropriate time to show your potential in-laws what your food looks like as you’re chewing it.
But is it me? Am I the only one noticing that today’s children are repulsive at the table? What about those of you with children? Have you focused on their table manners? And for everyone else, did your parents focus on manners when you were a kid?
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1.
The Guider | Friday, May 16, 2008 at 2:08 am
Mine are really good at the mouth closed thing. Still struggling with the cutting food nicely. It’ll come.
2.
The Guider | Friday, May 16, 2008 at 2:10 am
Oh, and our parents taught us - I remember when we had Sunday dinner after the starter Mum and Dad would go to get the main course ready, carving the roast etc, we were left in the dining room to “make polite conversation” while we waited for them to come back. Not sure how polite it was, but it stuck.
3.
Heidi | Friday, May 16, 2008 at 2:46 am
I try and I try and I try…
Seriously, it is one of the most tense times in our house - meal time. My kids have atrocious table manners. No leaning in, touching food with fingers when they have perfectly good utensils RIGHT THERE. No burbing or slurping, but still…food all over the seat when they are done.
It drives me batty.
So if you saw my children, you’d think their parents weren’t trying to teach good manners, but we are. It just hasn’t hit home yet. Especially not with the B boy…
Heidi
4.
Heidi | Friday, May 16, 2008 at 2:47 am
burbing = burping
5.
Domestically Challenged | Friday, May 16, 2008 at 4:40 am
This drives me NUTS
No 2 is brilliant…
but No 1 - oh lordy - she drives me into a frenzy - I can’t count the number of times I have asked her to eat with her mouth SHUT -
I’m going to make her read this…….NUTS, I repeat, NUTS!!!!!
Have a great weekend!
6.
blackbird | Friday, May 16, 2008 at 7:16 am
I know many children who seem to have no table manners at all.
It’s one of K’s pet peeves and our boys seem to have learned, but several of their cousins and most of their friends seem to have been raised by wild animals.
Tact and decorum are next on my list of annoyances…how can so many children feel comfortable asking me questions that are inappropriate?
7.
Kristin | Friday, May 16, 2008 at 9:22 am
I wonder if it has anything to do with lots of families eating in front of the TV (which we’re guilty of far more often than I like to admit . . . . however, our kids are polite eaters.) It’s hard to notice how other people are managing their “table” manners when the focus is on the flickering box rather than each other. Just a thought.
8.
melissawest | Friday, May 16, 2008 at 10:34 am
My oldest is repulsive and disgusting when he eats. I’ve threatened him with an all-liquid diet. I agree–I don’t want him to embarrass himself. I think a lot of people just ignore it because it’s not worth the battle to them but I’m with you. It HAS to be addressed!
9.
Janet | Friday, May 16, 2008 at 10:52 am
My kids eat with their mouths closed and always have. It’s a strange thing because I never had to nag them to do so (and god knows I’ve nagged about enough other stuff). I see other kids jawing with mouths open and think that surely things must change at some point, because their parents are all well-mannered people who don’t have “see food” for dinner every night. Maybe kids start paying attention when they’re teenagers?
(Patience, if you’re reading this, I’m not talking about your kids!)
Now if my daughter could only manage to get through a meal without dropping food on the floor, life would be great. She’s 9 years old, so I don’t think I’m asking for a miracle.
10.
Mrs. G. | Friday, May 16, 2008 at 2:06 pm
You are NOT the only one. Open mouth and loud chewing in one of my peeves. I am really into manners-I made each of my kids read a funny book called How Rude about basic manners in all kinds of different situations. I think there are a few adults out there lacking as well. There are days I feel as if most of the population has forgotten that they are not the center of the world-I even have to remind myself of this when I find myself willing people in the grocery aisle to get out of my way. Isn’t that rude?
11.
Vanessa | Friday, May 16, 2008 at 2:51 pm
I would venture to say it’s manners in general not just specifically table manners although those are unbelievable too. In my workplace we are hiring and I am amazed at how many applicants show up in ratty jeans, flip flops, old tee shirts, inappropriate tee shirts, smacking gum, hair not styled and then have the gall to demand we provide them with a pen to fill out the application!
12.
erin | Friday, May 16, 2008 at 4:34 pm
Not to be all judgy, but I totally judge people based on their table manners. Well, I notice manners in general, but table manners especially. It’s appalling how many people - even at dinners with work colleagues, etc., just do not have basic table manners.
I’m the youngest of four, and when we were growing up we were “nagged” constantly during meals: “Chew with your mouth closed!” “Elbows off the table!” “Don’t talk with food in your mouth!” “Don’t reach - ask for it to be passed and then WAIT for it!” etc, etc. And each time the reminders would be followed up with “If you do it while you’re at home, you’ll do it when you’re out.” And wow, were my parents right about that. I used to have a roommate who chewed with her mouth open/talked with her mouth full constantly - it was disgusting. And then I happened to have dinner with her family one night and OH. MY. GOD. The entire family ate like that. It was disgusting. I was completely repulsed and embarrassed since we were out in public. I’m so glad my folks “nagged” my sister and brothers and me about manners (table and otherwise) when we were kids - now at least if I’m in a situation where I’m nervous I fall back on good manners because they’re habit.
13.
CC | Friday, May 16, 2008 at 10:19 pm
As a teacher, I’d say the LEAST of my worries is what the kids do while chewing. The words (or lack thereof) that come out of their mouths is absolutely atrocious!
14.
Jennifer | Saturday, May 17, 2008 at 3:11 pm
It’s not just table etiquette. It’s all manner of manners, from writing thank you notes to saying excuse me when appropriate. I’ve always found that kids with poor manners are often the product of parents with worse ones.
15.
Holly | Saturday, May 17, 2008 at 8:03 pm
Growing up with an British father who was from 1940’s England….oh yeah, I got those. And hubby had a military father…so he got the manner drills as well.
Our kids are taught and enforced….10 years later they still occasionally slip up but overall I’d say that yes, we are the exception to the rule in regards to other’s people’s children. “If there is food in, then there is no sound coming out” is one of our more common phrases around here. And “Nobody needs to see what is in anyone else’s mouth”.
Restaurant manners are also a HUGE pet peeve of mine. We’ve taken our kids out to eat since birth, so they are well versed in appropriate manners. The people that let their kids wander…come up to other tables and try to play with our kids (and I’m not talking McDonalds…I mean sit down, nice places)…or just let them yell and scream and tear around. Argh. HUGE pet peeve.
Anyway, good on you for teaching your kids appropriate table manners. I wish more people would.
PS On a side note…I can actually remember the lecture in detail from age 4 of my dad teaching me to keep my mouth closed…I cried because I didn’t understand how I’d get the food in if my mouth was shut. I was a dumb kid.