Jen on the Edge

In some countries, punishments for crimes are tied to whatever crime was committed. For example, stealing is punishable by cutting off the thief’s hand. Or, adultery leads to being stoned to death. Murder results in hanging or the firing squad.

However, that’s not how things roll here in Jenworld.

Today Elegant hit Graceful with a shovel. Yes, a metal one.

Graceful is fine.

Obviously, I can’t punish Elegant by hitting her back with the shovel, so I had to be more creative and find a way to really make her sorry. Consequently, Elegant did not get dessert after dinner tonight (big whoop) and will also be going to bed an hour early (a much bigger deal). She’s claiming double jeopardy and that she shouldn’t be punished twice for the same crime. I’ve warned her she’s about a half step from no TV or desserts all weekend, as well as very early bedtimes during that same time. So far, she’s managing to stay on the right side of the law.

Graceful wants to be a vet when she grows up. She was planning to heal all animal types: domestic, wild, and exotic (such as zoo). So it was with great dismay that she learned that she’ll ultimately have to specialize in just one type of animal and then probably within a sub-group of that animal (large animals vs. small). She started sputtering and get all het up and said, “Well, I’ll just lodge a complaint.”

Elegant has been convinced by her sister that she too should be a vet, although she is a bit put off by the educational requirements. “You mean I would have to go to college for FOUR YEARS and then for FOUR MORE? That’s like EIGHT YEARS!?!?”

Some of the insults hurled recently by the children of this household:

“You’re selfish!”

“Oh yeah? Well, you’re spoiled!”

[That's pretty much the elementary equivalent of "yo' mama"...]

“Interrupter! You’re an interrupter. Stop interrupting me!”

[Then the big guns come out...]

“Well, you’re a liar!”

[Stunned silence while this registers...]

“Mommmmyyyyyy! She called me a liar!”

Can you imagine the insults when they discover actual curse words?

The girls opened their first savings accounts yesterday; Graceful with $168 and Elegant with $110. They were both very pleased, because now they’ll be earning interest every quarter, at the whopping rate of 1.25%. They just can’t believe what smart businesswomen they are. I told them that Pete and I would deposit $5 in their accounts every time they hit the next hundred dollar mark. At $500, they’ll have enough to buy CDs and Graceful is already anticipating that greater level of interest earning.

So now both girls have passports and savings accounts. They think they are quite mature and definitely cosmopolitan. Their lives would be utterly complete if we’d allow them to use our cell phones on a regular basis. Even better — if we bought them their own. As if. The icing on the cake would be if we also picked up a couple of iPods when we purchased the cell phones they’re not getting any time soon.

Last night, Elegant came huffing and puffing into the living room, complaining because she “only” had $41.68 in her wallet, which is more than many adults carry around, including her father. Then she realized that the credit union had charged her a one-time $5 membership fee and she was really irritated. I informed her that I had personally paid the $5 and that it had not come from her very own money. So then she went back to griping about the dearth of funds in her wallet and how she might need more money soon. I explained — again — that we can always go back to the credit union and get money from her account, which satisfied her. I’m not sure exactly what her spending needs are but she seems to think she has them.

(* from “Money” by Pink Floyd)

The superhero wakes up on a sunny Thursday morning. She’s had almost 11 hours of sleep, so she’s ready to face the day. Well, almost. This superhero is a bit slow to wake, so she spends some time hiding under blankets, just pondering the possibility of getting up and getting moving. Eventually, our hero lurches forward and heads for the kitchen.

First order of business: Breakfast. Two gummy bear vitamins, to give her the proper nutrients her growing body needs. Then, a small bowl of pineapple to give her tastebuds some zing. After that, a stack of chocolate chip pancakes. If it’s a special occasion, the superhero’s father will allow the superhero to have whipped cream and sprinkles on top. Completing the meal is a big cup of milk to build strong teeth and bones.

After breakfast, it’s time for the superhero to decide on the day’s wardrobe. So much is at stake. Unlike most superheroes, this one does not have a set costume. Oh no. Each day’s outfit is based on mood, weather, the day’s events, and the day’s possibilities. One day, the costume might need to be hot pink from head to toe. Or, perhaps all purple is needed. Some days require as many colors as the rainbow will support and preferably as many patterns as can be worn. Shoes are of course important, as proper footwear ensures that the superhero is prepared for any possibility. Lots of running? Then it’s the purple trail shoes. Playing in the mud? Then it’s the washable Crocs, available in an array of colors. Tea with royalty? Then of course it’s the sequined mary janes.

Finishing things off is the superhero’s choice of hairstyle and accessories. Since pulled-back hair means that earrings are more easily seen, our superhero often skews toward braids and ponytails. All styling is finished off with the fanciest hair accessories possible.

Sometimes, an extra accessory is necessary, such as a red cape or a pink faux fur shrug.

Once dressed and properly accessorized, the superhero leaves for school. As with Clark Kent of Superman fame, it is necessary for this superhero to hide her superness under a subterfuge of normalcy. So off she goes to first grade every day, rain or shine, good mood or bad mood. It is a difficult sacrifice of her time, but she accepts the burdens of her wonderfulness. She knows it is necessary to learn and to use her brain, as there’s no such thing as a stupid superhero. The superhero’s parents walk her to school every day, which gives her a chance to stretch her muscles, fill her lungs, and prepare her thoughts. When no one’s looking, she also practices her super moves. She kicks, jumps, twirls, and leaps. Merely walking is not an acceptable training regimen. She must be as swift as a cheetah, as strong as an elephant, and sometimes as stealthy as a hunting lioness.

During the school day, the superhero tries to hide her greatness, but it does shine through on occasion. She might help a classmate find a missing item. Or perhaps she’ll comfort a friend who is sad. Maybe she’ll read to a kindergartener who is still struggling with literacy.

Outside of school, the superhero performs even more kind acts. She plays with her sister’s toys so they won’t get lonely or dusty. She saves dandelions from certain destruction by picking them and bringing them inside. She helps her mother at the grocery store by choosing treats herself. Whatever the act, our superhero does good deeds every day.

Sometimes, just to throw normal people off the trail to her secret, the superhero will act in a most un-super way. This is not because the superhero is a bad person. On the contrary, she is a very good person who sometimes just gets a little overwhelmed with the burden of her role. Or who perhaps needs a nap. Or maybe just some chocolate to perk herself right up. No matter what, our superhero always rebounds and resumes her normal good humor.

After school, the superhero comes home and changes into clothes more befitting her fabulosity. This is when those around her will see princess gowns, crowns, lots of jewelry, great hats, and so forth. This is when the superhero truly shines — so much so that sometimes sunglasses are needed just to behold her splendor. The superhero really works on her moves in the afternoon and into the evening. She makes art that showcases her ideas. She trains — as if for the Super Olympics — on the swings and slide. She reads, in order to be the smartest superhero she can possibly be.

At night, the superhero starts to wind down. She has a shower to wash off the day’s grime and filth. She and her mother work on combing out tangles. She flosses and brushes her teeth to keep them healthy. Afterward, she puts on pajamas and reads in bed. Finally, the superhero’s parents turn off her lights, tuck her in, and kiss her goodnight. The superhero almost always goes to sleep within just a few minutes. It has been a very busy day and she needs to gather her strength for the next day, when it all begins again.

A superhero lives in our house. She’s six years old and thinks that no one knows her secret — that she is capable of doing great things, helping people, and making the world a better place. But her parents know. They have long known that she is an amazing girl, filled with wonder and delight in the world around her. A girl with lots of interesting ideas and things to be shared. A child capable of doing so many things that it almost boggles the mind. This is Elegant the Wondergirl and we are fortunate enough to be her parents, to see her become greater daily, to watch her grow up.

My mother’s name is Alice, which is a pretty normal name and there’s not much you can do to twist it around or mess with it.

When Graceful was a toddler, however, she called her grandmother “Gamma Ass,” which we all thought was pretty funny, especially the grandma herself. Eventually Graceful got it right, but the rest of us just couldn’t let it drop. We started intentionally mixing up “ass” and “Alice.” For example, my brother-in-law Andy, in reference to something Mom was irritated about, asked if she was going to “open up a can of whoop-Alice.” Or I’ll say something to Pete about kicking his Alice. And I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve heard Andy come into a room and greet his mother-in-law as “Ass.”

It’s totally a term of endearment, just as we call my aunt Crazy Aunt Laura. So, just an explanation in case anyone thinks I’m being disrespectful to the woman who birthed me.

Graceful, reading Robinson Crusoe, “Elegant, I don’t think you’re ready for this book yet.”

Elegant, “Why?”

Graceful, “Because there are cannibals in this book. Know what cannibals are? They’re these SAVAGE, VIOLENT people who eat people. You’re lucky if you survive.”